My Eight Cents|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
tube of wonderful's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Tuesday, July 23rd, 2013|
|stream of consciousness
Yesterday I drove down to Dover, Delaware to hang with my nephew for his 20th birthday. 3 hours in a car, with your music on shuffle, is sometimes all you need to clear your brain of all the clutter. On the way home, I started thinking about what 20 was like for me, and how 12 years later my life is not only different from what I thought it would be, but so much greater than I could have ever imagined. There have been rough times, and trials, and loss, but at the end of each day I count myself blessed to have lived through it all.
Yeah, I know, "all of it?"
It's hard to be in a painful moment, and say to yourself, "this is good for me. I will learn from this." It takes time, and it takes encouragement (both from others and from yourself), but in the present you can see how that moment shaped your desires and aspirations- How it pushed you to sort through those anger and tear-filled promises you made to yourself, and allowed you to focus on what you really wanted all along...
So here I sit, in the third week of July, the Life Sandwich (nephew's birth, best friend's death, and niece's birth), and I'm looking at the walls of my living room. I know I wouldn't be here, right now, in this moment if I had never been faced with saying goodbye to my best friend, Nick. It was Nick who knew this all would be, and knew I wanted it all for myself, and who's last major imparting of knowledge to me was to seize life by the throat, and take what you want from it now without hesitation.
That idea of carpe diem, coupled with the catharsis of his passing has created a creed deep in my being. I know not where the road takes me, but I know how I plan to drive, and who's in the car with me.
God, I miss him so much. I had a dream last night that I took him on a tour of my life as it is now. I told him he could stay if he wanted to. There was a way for him to be that cathartic element, and also be here. He said he couldn't stay, but he'd stop by once in a while, gave me a hug, and then went on his way...
It hurts, but he's right. I hate saying it, but he's been right about everything.
Stream of consciousness, kid.
Man I miss that boy.
|Saturday, November 3rd, 2012|
Okay, Nick. You win. You were right about so many things. You were right about me.
You were right about me being the person you told everyone I was, and at the time I didn't think I was capable of being- the person I would tell you to shut up about, because I could never live up to the hype. Nowadays, I wish I could tell you face to face. I wish Ibcould tell you that you were right. Maybe this is manifest, or maybe this was part of your game. Maybe I wouldn't be who I am right now if you hadn't put those ideas in my head. If that's the case, you win...
I fucking miss you, you loveable ass. There. You happy? It's in print. I know what you meant all those times, when you'd get all morbid and shit.
I know the difference between then and now.
When we're young, we have nothing to lose... When we're older we see all the things we have lost...
I never lost you. I just lost the ability to see you.
Stay close, buddy.
Talk to you face to face one day...
|Saturday, April 24th, 2010|
Holy Shit. I haven't been on here in more than a year. I guess that's a good thing-- too busy living to type about life by the light of a glowing screen.
Many changes to the status quo:
-I'm married now, and in 2 weeks it will have been 6 Months! Woot! I'm not gonna brag (much) but I think I'm pretty damn good at being a husband, but there's always room for improvement... I'm loving my life right now--
-I'm actively trying to better my physical prowess... I really don't want to be Mr. Achy Knees for the rest of my life, especially during what's left of my 20s...
-I turn 29 soon, and I'm not sure what I should do with my last year of 20-hood... Tattoos are a definite, but I think something more substantial, like a real push to do more with my artwork... One big show before I turn 30... I know, this whole "One Song, Glory" thing is a tad too RENT for some... But I look at my walls and I'm not happy that I've been staring at the same paintings, unmoving, for the last 3 years...
When everything in life is great, therein lies the opportunity to make it greater...
I gotta go!
|Friday, January 23rd, 2009|
Woke up on the couch again, and my thoughts are insane...
I can't get the echoes of the past out of my mind sometimes... When I go to sleep, sometimes I dream... Other times, when I close my eyes, I see slideshows of every failure, every disappointment, every missed opportunity...
I have no regrets, but when I sleep I do... Does that make any sense? Awake, I take control, I win, and I succeed... But when I go to sleep, that's when I fail... I dunno, maybe that's just my subconscious telling me I have unfinished business...
Or perhaps, when i see all these things in my dreams, it's fate's way of telling me that I still have time to right these wrongs... I'd like to think that something is trying to steer me towards making my life right... That the Checks & balances dept. in my brain is going through past transactions, and making me accountable...
I dunno, like I said before, what it all means... I would like to close my eyes though, and see all the good I've done, all the time i haven't wasted, and all the opportunities I've seized...
Good Night, buddy.... Current Mood: awake
|Thursday, January 8th, 2009|
|End of 2008-- Enter 2009
Where was I?
A year in notes to Nicky...Jan 28, 2008 11:27 PMOkay, so...
New place. My place. Finally. I'm gonna miss the house, dude. Almost every memory of us is here... Sleep-overs, parties, secrets, dreams... you know the old saying, "if these walls could talk..."
You don't realize what that means until you're cleaning house... I've structured the new place to almost match the setup of the old den... but I miss you as always...
As long as I have that futon, I have a piece of our history...
Love you Nicky--
Stop on in Anytime...
~LopezFeb 17, 2008 8:34 PMThanks for today... The stub and the CD are right in front of me as I speak...
And for some reason I thought you had that CD the whole time, b/c of all the times you'd gone clepto on me... or the way my CDs never made it OUT of your Focus...
I think today was my last slice of Skyline Pizza for a very long time... Packing is a never-ending battle...
Sideways will be a lasting memory for me...
Love you, buddy...
I hope I make you proud...
~LopezMar 25, 2008 4:25 PMDude. RENT.
Lauren won a contest and I got to see RENT again for the first time in about 8 years...
I swear I could hear you singing along to Santa Fe and La Vie Boheme....
I can't believe its closing in June...
I guess all good things must come to an end--
"No Day But Today..."
That is so You...
Love you big, buddy...
~LopezMay 15, 2008 8:51 PMDude. I keep clicking on and off and typing and deleting and I just can't do it anymore... I have to write to you...
I'm turning 27 on mon, and I miss you. As young or old as I am, for more than 1/3 of my life I had you as my best friend and there's still so much left to say-- I know, right? Just when you think you've said all there is to say to someone, there it is... But that's the raw fuggin beauty of having you as my buddy-- The fact that there's always something to say... We never get old, and we never will... I love you, buddy-- and although I'm missing the hell out of you, I'm not wasting the time I have here pining for moments gone by, but living as hard as I can and filling up the book so I can tell you all about it when I get to where you are...
We're gonna have a time, you and I-- Just wait a few more decades, buddy... Years for me, and minutes for you...
Love you big,
Jun 1, 2008 7:31 PM
okay. random memory. you and i go down to rutgers to see erica beck-- i get hammered after a 2 bar run, and then you walk us down the street to get pizza-- then we go back to erica's and take a bunch of hilarious photos-- most of which make me look like a fool--
Where are those?
So much fun--
~rLoJul 27, 2008 6:35 PMNicky--
I was looking for a word this whole weekend to wrap up how I feel and the only one I could find was either, "wow," or "whoa..." I know you'd probably be more of a fan of the latter, so I'm gonna go with "WHOA..." lol. Thursday I couldn't find the words to say, or any way in general to evoke, how I felt-- Thursday 3 years ago was the last day we exchanged "Back-Cracking" hugs to eachother, and I totally missed that, so on Friday when I woke up it was a total sense of rememberance, and I didn't know quite what was going on in my mind-- only that I severely needed that rainbow, or that butterfly, or that special breeze... And then Saturday morning, Isabel was born-- My first niece. Our first niece. She's an angel, Nicky, but you already know that. At first I was like, "Nicky never met this one-" But then I thought, "Nah, he probably hugged her on her way down to earth..." So, if you had anything to do with Saturday, thanks buddy... I love you, Miss you, and can't wait to see you again... Watch over my boys and this new little girl from there for me buddy, and I'll do my best down here... See you soon...
Your Friend and Brother,
~LopezAug 20, 2008 9:55 PMHey buddy. I was just thinking about you today-- You and I had a conversation about 3.5 years ago... i think it's about time I did some of that stuff we were talking about. Thanks for keeping me in check for so long... You always know when to smack me on the back of the head... Pass some thanks along to the Big Man for me-- Thanks for Sundays, and backyards and babies, for friends here and gone, for Life's little moments, for the quiet times between laughter, and for the promise of a new tomorrow... And while you're at it, thank him for you for me-- Augusts come and go, but this one is feeling like home... So thanks again for you know what--
--Here's to the next step.
Love you Nicky,
Nov 2, 2008 10:34 PM363 days til the wedding, Buddy--
I can't believe it. It's still so amazing. I know you're stoked beyond stoked for us, and that you'll be present in one way or another... Just saw Izzie again today-- She's amazing, dude. I love being an uncle... These kids are such a blessing, and they remind me how a young heart works... In a way, they teach me the same lessons you used to...
You are the perfect example of the young-at-heart guy...
Miss you big time as always, and I'm hoping I'm doing right by you--
As 2008 drew to a close, I hoped (as I always do) that I made Nicky proud of me...
Here's to all that 2009 has to bring...~Lopez Current Mood: optimistic
|Sunday, June 29th, 2008|
|You're as old as you feel...
You Act Like You Are 26 Years Old
You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life.
You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up.
The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.
|SO I'm Awake...
Been so long since I posted anything on LiveJournal-- But appropriately enough-- usually anything I post on the MySpace page is just observations and this has always been the place for the personal stuff--
Lately I've been staying away from the personal stuff, but fuck it. I really just need to express some happy/sad/whatever feelings... lol. or lmfao... or whatever the kids are saying/typing these days.
I have a niece on the way... For the first time in 11 years, a new addition to the immediate Fam-- bringing my niece/nephew total up to 3-- I'm stoked-- in a way I can't really express... I love being an Uncle, the way most enjoy parenthood or being a Yankees Fan-- I love kids, but really don't see myself wanting any of my own for quite some time--
And then here it comes.... "Oh, but Lopez, you'd be an AMAZING DAD!"
I know. But that's not my thing-- Unclehood is the bomb, and if for any one particular reason, I get to participate in the raising of a child, while still maintaining the domicile and activities of someone who works WAY TOO MUCH... I don't want kids for the same reason I haven't bought a gaming system since SEGA's Dreamcast-- I really don't have the time for it, and I have other stuff I wanna do--
But back to the main topic-- I love the idea of finally having a niece-- Mom and Dad have a granddaughter-- which they've wanted greedily since my first Neph (Jason) was born-- haha... Lil Anthony (the younger) has been totally doting on my sis-- and that's awesome.... He'll be a good dad one day-- if that turns out to be his cup o' tea.
As always, my thoughts go to Nick, who my nephews loved, no doubt more than me-- haha-- A few years back I asked them flat out who they liked more and they hesitated...
I miss the big guy, b/c he would've gotten a kick out of having another "kid in HIS family."
Nick would've been a great dad. A person like Nick's ability to put all others before himself would be the deciding factor in that statement. A kid would've been SO lucky to have him for a father b/c of the "Field of Dreams" of it all-- Playing catch, That first ballgame, explaining it all and naming all the players... It's funny, b/c even though it's not something I want for myself, I totally wanted it for him...
In death there is rebirth, and in that, there is hope. Izzie (my new niece who is not yet born but already has a nickname) symbolizes that to me-- The idea of a new joy... My heart's been burdened by a great deal of things as of late and the thought of that new, innocent child and my nephews-- well, it just makes my heart lighter... I don't know if I am rambling as I usually do, but I can't help it-- It's the way my brain works.
At any rate, I'll stop here. Awake, tired, and thinking.
Here's to Big Nick. Current Mood: awake
|Thursday, November 15th, 2007|
|Wednesday, October 17th, 2007|
|Wednesday, August 8th, 2007|
|best myspace survey? or lamest blog ever?
|The Best Myspace Survey EVER! [[includes ur top8]]|
|Nicknames:||Lopez, Lopey, rLo, Mr. Richie Lo, |
|Hair Color:||Brown |
|Luv it?!:||Yes? |
|Eye Color:||Brown |
|Luv it?!:||I suppose I do... |
|Any Pets? Name em.:||Max (deceased) - Koti (given away, mom was allergic) |
|Hometown:||Da Wood (I guess is what we're calling it now) |
|Where Were you born?:||Queens, NY |
|Are you awesome?:||Through a series of scientific tests and theorums placed in the hands of the worlds greatest biologists-- My blood was found to carry the "AWESOME GENE" so yes. |
|Color:||Red, but I rarely wear it |
|Place to Hang-out:||Palisades mall-- b/c you could live there if you had to... |
|Place:||My Room |
|Girl Name:||Josie |
|Boy Name:||Max |
|Store:||Zapp! Comics |
|Movie:||wow. that's a hard one... Muppets Take Manhattan, probably... |
|Tv Show:||How I Met Your Mother |
|Song:||At the moment? "Holiday" by Weezer... Or "Only in Dreams" |
|Band:||The Rentals |
|Singer:||Eddie Vedder |
|Kind of Music:||Alt Rock or Indie |
|Book:||The Dark Knight Returns, The Watchmen |
|Saying:||"I wish that was my girlfriend" (laced with sarcasm - coined by my gf in Jersey Gardens) |
|Food:||Mac and Cheese with cut up hotdogs (Nathan's) |
|Soda:||Vanilla Coke Zero |
|Drink:||Jack and Coke |
|Tea:||Lemon Zinger |
|Cpu Brand:||Apple |
|Day Of the Week:||Friday |
|Clothes Brand:||More Gap and Target than anything else... |
|Cereal:||gave it up... used to be Reese's Puff Cereal |
|Resturant:||El Bandido - Spring Valley |
|Fast Food Resturant:||Quizno's |
|Disney Channel Movie:||Newsies |
|Your Top 8|
|5.:||Chris G. |
|How did u meet 8?:||My GF's Sister |
|Do u have fun with 3?:||When I go to Boston, or she comes down here, yeah! |
|Do u tell 2 all your secerts?:||Every last one |
|How long have you known 1:||9 and a half on this plane and 2 on the next |
|Had 6 ever made u cry?:||when he started painting clouds... |
|Would 5 nd 8 make a cute couple?:||Nope. |
|Does 4 ever got on ur nerves?:||Never. Even though She's my lil sister.... |
|Are you related to any of them?:||Nicky's my Brother from another mother, same with chris and lissy. Mal's my friend in law, like a sister to me... |
|Do you go to school with number one?:||High School and Some college |
|How about number 6?:||College |
|What does 3 call u [[nickname-wise]]?:||Lopey |
|Do you secertly hate 7?:||No... |
|Do you love everyone on your top 8?:||More than Most... |
|Your Perfect Partner <3 (PS-- I Already Met Her)|
|Color Eyes:||Brown |
|Color Hair:||Reddish Brown |
|Any piercings?:||Not too many |
|Any tatoos?:||Totally- Especially Heart on the arm! |
|Drunkard?:||Only after the 3rd drink... Lol |
|Has Money?:||Enough to support my borke artist ass! |
|Sweet?:||Yeah, but with a strong jab. |
|What will be his/her talents:||To keep me grounded... And always know what to say... You're the best...|
Take this survey | Find more surveys
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site</td>
Well that completes it for me-- no more Surveys... Current Mood: awake
|Saturday, July 28th, 2007|
|taking a myspace break again--
Today was the wake-- well 2 years ago today... Just remembering the feeling of waking up, realizing I didn't have a suit, and slapping some semblance of attire together-- and being 20 minutes late... I was late to my best friend's wake-- which i guess was true to form... The Gretinas got a chuckle out of it, so I guess it was worth it... But I felt awful...
2 years ago tomorrow, I walked my best friend down the aisle... Not the way we had originally intended of course... I had hoped (and i told him this to no end) that he would be my Best Man at my wedding... I had it all at that point. A beautiful girlfriend who blended so well with my friends and family, and someone who without a doubt was loved by my best friend... He was the only one capable of telling those "I remember when Rich told me about the first time he met Lauren..." stories...
...in an IM I told him I was in love... He was so excited... And a short time later, he met a girl, and sent me a message saying he was happy-- "Lopez and Lauren Happy"--
That's the way we rolled... Always using eachother as a frame of reference... A lot of people didn't understand the dynamic-- And another lot understood us perfectly...
He was the The Superman to my Batman-- I was a dark and brooding guy until he came along... And he brought me out of my shell... Like a bolt of lightning almost 10 years passed... And at the same time, I remember every moment-- Every second-- Every fight-- Every Hug-- Especially the last one...
7 days ago, I met Nick at Rhodie's-- So much fun... for whatever reason, I was having a shitty week and he brought me back to that good place like he always does... My pacifier... I don't know how he does it-- He told me he was home for the weekend... We were gonna just hang for the next 3 nights... Wedding Crashers was out on Friday...
5 days ago I called him, b/c he was nowhere to be found-- He had been asleep for almost a day... He told me he was tired... Weird... He told me he'd call me about that night... He never did...
4 days ago I was on my way to work, and Nicky asked me to cut work to hang with him and Meg. I couldnt cut work for whatever reason... So he came to see me...
...Bugging me at work to come hang out... He was gonna buy the Dualdisc of Toby Keith's "shockin y'all", and then we got into a debate concerning the validity of the Dualdisc format-- He won, stating that 2 formats for the price of one was enough for him... He gave me the biggest hug in the world
-- I introduced him to a few people as my "hetero-man-life-mate." And then I got called over to another part of the store. I said "see you in a bit..." Without saying goodbye he was out the door-- and i went to my buddy Danny and asked, where's my friend? he said "He went home..."
3 days ago My Best friend went home...
He calls me every now and then... he stops by and puts his hand on my shoulder, and gives me the biggest hug in the world... and then he takes off...
2 days ago my chest hurt and I couldn't speak...
1 day ago I forgot to get a suit...
Today I was late to my best friend's wake... Tonight I'll raise a glass at Rhodie's... Keith will walk up to me and tell me how Nick told him that we'd all be here tonight hanging out... And I'll say "He was right"-- Ringwood friends, Wanaque friends, NYC friends, Concordia friends, Northern & Southern NJ friends, and Family...
It's karaoke night...
Tomorrow I'll walk him down the aisle... I'll complain about how my blazer is too small, and I'll get stuck in the door because all of us holding the casket is too much for the door frame... I'll walk outside afterwards to the nicest day I'd seen in Years... I'll put him in the car... I'll touch the glass of the rear window...
I'll say "See You Soon, Nicky"
Tomorrow night I'll sit with friends... I'll forget to study for my history final...
2 years ago...
I went to China, learned about peace... Less than a month after coming back, I had to learn all over again...
Today I'm writing this down...
Today I miss him, but I'm comforted by the fact that he lives on in my heart, and in the eyes of my loved ones... They are my heart... They keep me going...
Nick visited me, and told me that I couldn't go see him until I did what I had to do...
And I aint done-- It's an 80 year list...
Love you, Brother...
Sorry this went on so long...
Call me anytime...
~Lopez Current Mood: blank
|Sunday, June 18th, 2006|
|taking a break from the "coolness" that is myspace/// or: taking a break from a fad
I'm convinced that I should write in here, b/c my good buddy lark writes here alot still, and while I'm not one to do what other people do, she's a pretty good role model. That run-on sentence being completed, I'm super focused on making a difference in someone's life this week, particularly my own. I'm hitting a wall it would seem, and whether or not hitting a wall is good therapy for the soul or just a way for a kid between the ages of 12 and 17 to vent their anger, much to the dismay of the homeowner, is beside the point... I'm really going nowhere here. In this entry or in life in general... I have to sell paintings so that I can afford my simple semblance of an existence somewhere-- somewhere far from here, and closer to my girl. She makes me smile, that girl of mine...
I feel as though it is time for me to do what I always told Nick I would do-- and just so it comes true, I'm not telling any of you what I'm going to do.
He knows and I know. I think we're good this way.
As I listen to my iPod playlist of carefully selected Pearl Jam songs, I hear him in my head singing. Always singing. I love that boy. I'm missing things alot these days, and at the same time I'm comforted everyday by the fact that he's right here. All of the time. i don't want to miss my present b/c I'm thinking of the past, but at the same time I don't feel that my daydreams of my 9 3/4 year friendship hurt anything. i know that time waits for no one...
anyhoo, this one's getting long--
there, Larky, I did one...
|Monday, November 28th, 2005|
|REPOST:::::"See You Soon":::Originally from 7-26-2005
This is a post from the day after Nick passed on-- Nothing in it has changed, save the fact that I am learning more and more how much everyday I had with him was a lesson in how to be a better man... He was and is the example of what every man should be, and I'll always love him... That's about it--
So... After 4 months Nick, I'm still missing you...
P.S.... Your sis and her "beau" did sumthin funny for ya... (not that you missed it, but they rule)
He was my friend, when I thought I wouldn't have any...
I met him in the very beginning of Freshmen year, 1995, and we're just coming up on the 10-year anniversary of our friendship... He was a great guy, always grinning from ear to ear with that big smile of his-- and every time I'd see him, I knew we were going to do something fun. Whether or not it was just going to the Lucheonette or the Diner over the years, anywhere we went was our new place... We were inseparable, anytime one of us was somewhere, everyone would ask where the other was...
He just had this great outlook towards life-- his heart problem gave him that "appreciate every bit of life's little moments" attitude...
He was my IMPROV partner for four years of HS-- Senior year we won best Improv pair... He was THE ACTOR, I was his goofy sidekick... I loved him for every moment we had-- He knew me better than anyone ever knew me, because he was like a brother and more-- My best friend...
I always told him, that if he died, the only one I could ever talk to about it would be him...
He saw it all... all my downfalls and triumphs, and I was there for him through all of the girlfriends, break-ups and other things that come with early adulthood... He was my best man... He is my best man...
He was obsessed with James Dean, and I think it had something to do with his own outlook on life-- I don't think he ever expected to be around as long as he was-- So, everyday was a gift, and a miracle in itself... I appreciate all the time that was given us... He was a shooting star-- Shining Bright for just a brief moment, and then gone--
In his brief time here with us, he affected so many lives... and showed others the importance of taking advantage of being young and impetuous... always daring and never stupid, he took full advantage of every bit of every thing he could take part in... "Life's too fuckin short to always be responsible, always keep yer eye on the clock, an ear on the boss, and nose to the grindstone..... once in a while i want my eye to new adventures, my ear to the music, and my nose to the wind of 70 miles an hour in an area i have never been, probably never will again, but for the moment, it's the best place in the world, b/c im having great times with great friends
u wont remember some unimportant dates or math equations, the names of random professors, or even the classroom u were in, but u will remember the night u and yer friends went somewhere, did something crazy, and exactly who was there"
I love you brother, in this life and the next...
Always and Forever, and Beyond
Nicholas F. Gretina - (1980 - 2005) Current Mood: reflecting...
|Tuesday, November 15th, 2005|
|Wednesday, November 9th, 2005|
|My Birthday Means I don't Like you...
Current Mood: bitchy
|Your Birthdate: May 19|
You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.
You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.
Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.
You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.
Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence
Your weakness: Suspicion of others
Your power color: Eggplant
Your power symbol: Spade
Your power month: October
|lyrics? I really don't know...
Everything here is gone now
Everyone i know has left me
Wanting more of life
i seem to get lost every time
You look at me with those brown
Eyes peering at me
with this line of questioning
Why am I still here?
And where do I go from here?
Where will you and I be
When I am
gone away from here
Maybe we'll meet again
I'll never see you again
So here we are now
looking into old photo books
spread out on
your bedroom floor is so
the way things used to be when
we would go out with each other
and I would drink and you
would drive me nuts
with all these things you
used to keep my head
together we used to be the best of friends--
but now I feel like you are
gone away from here
this free verse seems to
trattle on with me
If you wanna
go with me into that other place
they'll never find us...
so hang my picture on your
walls remember things the
your number still inside
my mind is reeling...
I can't forget
your name is on my mind
more time is all
I want the world to stop for
just this once
I want to hear you
when I call you up
you're never there--
I need you to
miss you man...
|Sunday, November 6th, 2005|
what is up with the lack of foil seal on my nesquik??
FIRST, they go and change their name, THEN they take away the foil seal of freshness?!?!?!?!
i dont know what to do now... IT's MILK RIGHT??? DOESN'T IT REQUIRE THE SAME AMOUNT OF CARE??? WHAT IS GOING ON???
anyhoo... I'm tired... sleep is good... get paid this week... poop....
|Monday, September 26th, 2005|
how long is life really? i have this whacked out theory that existence is cyclical-- that maybe when we die, we go through it all over again-- That would explain things like deja vu, and hearing the voices of loved ones long gone-- maybe every now and then we get a glimpse of that other reality... is it really that far fetched to believe that since time is relative, maybe it goes in cycles? I really want to believe that--
I was reading "Killing Yourself to Live" by Chuck Klosterman, and he had this cool theory that our plane of existence is actually purgatory, the waiting room to get to heaven-- those that are here the longest are the worst, and those who leave immediately are the greatest-- It makes sense-- in its own weird way...
I just want my buddy back.
|Friday, September 16th, 2005|
Cleaning up my room is one of those things that always drives me down memory lane-- it's great--
I found a christmas card that a former high school crush sent me in the mail a while back-- this was particularly funny for three reasons:
1. I hadn't talked to her in forever
2. she had put in it one of those photo stickers featuring she and her beau on a boat in their bathing suits, with her boyfriend practically spooning her....
3. I couldn't help but notice in the return address that she had appropriated her BF's last name?!
I turn to Nick first of all when I pulled this out of the mailbox not recognizing the last name, and I say "Who the F*** is ____ _____?"
He's like, did ____ get married??
So I open it up, And I'm like-- "WTF?? Nick, what kind of chick sends a christmas card to a guy who used to like her like YEARS ago, with a picture of her in a 2-piece, getting spooned by her man??"
He's like, "her?"
So he and I just died laughing in my driveway, get in his focus and haul it to the diner where we play phone tag wondering why it was we weren't invited to the wedding, even though I got a christmas card... Funny as all hell--
Well, I'm gonna go back to cleaning... Watching the Big Lebowski... Funny shite...
|Sunday, September 4th, 2005|
Sitting in my bedroom, watching Sideways
, makes me feel warm inside... Not because of anything in particular... Just being in a moment that reminds me of the last cinematic memory Nick and I shared... The night we got together to see Sideways
I really had no interest in it-- I was having a rough week for some reason (which in comparison wasn't at all rough, compared to the last few) and I had no intention of going to see a movie about wine--
But Nick knew what I needed as always-- and I ended up loving the movie--
But it wasn't just that, the different conversations we had about life, and the future, and marriage, and kids, and every little thing about what people usually expect the future to hold-- we had all these talks before the previews even started-- we even talked about how movies that get rave reviews usually have Postal Service
songs in their trailers...
I'm missing him a lot right now-- because I know a lot of the things we discussed will never happen... And will at the same time-- when the day comes that I am engaged-- and there's a week until my wedding-- He and I are still gonna go to Napa, and have a moment together-- He told me-- he helped me pick out the first bottle of wine I ever gave my girl's parents... He showed me all he knew about wine-- and then told me I "gotta figure out the rest on [my] own"
In a way this movie was a rite of passage-- I got to see what he had planned for me, and I felt good about the idea... With Nick I was never afraid to grow up, and old...
And surprisingly, I'm still not... I'm actually starting to embrace it-- I look around, and I see this opportunity to live up to the image Nick had of me, when he would talk to other people-- I've found out, through Lark and Megan, and Nick's family, the high regard he always held me in-- "Brothers from different Mothers"
I'm "gonna do great things..."
I knew he loved me, but then I find out more and more each day from other people, and I just melt inside with this warmth-- and I know he's still with me-- helping me everyday-- helping me become the person I'm gonna be-- just like that... We always bounced life's questions off each other, and I can still hear the Q & A of life going on in the corner of my mind...
Well, I'm gonna go back to watching the movie--