tube of wonderful (tubeofwonderful) wrote,
tube of wonderful

stream of consciousness

Yesterday I drove down to Dover, Delaware to hang with my nephew for his 20th birthday. 3 hours in a car, with your music on shuffle, is sometimes all you need to clear your brain of all the clutter. On the way home, I started thinking about what 20 was like for me, and how 12 years later my life is not only different from what I thought it would be, but so much greater than I could have ever imagined. There have been rough times, and trials, and loss, but at the end of each day I count myself blessed to have lived through it all. 


Yeah, I know, "all of it?"


It's hard to be in a painful moment, and say to yourself,  "this is good for me. I will learn from this."  It takes time, and it takes encouragement (both from others and from yourself), but in the present you can see how that moment shaped your desires and aspirations- How it pushed you to sort through those anger and tear-filled promises you made to yourself, and allowed you to focus on what you really wanted all along...


So here I sit, in the third week of July, the Life Sandwich (nephew's birth, best friend's death, and niece's birth), and I'm looking at the walls of my living room. I know I wouldn't be here, right now, in this moment if I had never been faced with saying goodbye to my best friend, Nick. It was Nick who knew this all would be, and knew I wanted it all for myself, and who's last major imparting of knowledge to me was to seize life by the throat, and take what you want from it now without hesitation.


That idea of carpe diem, coupled with the catharsis of his passing has created a creed deep in my being. I know not where the road takes me, but I know how I plan to drive, and who's in the car with me.


God, I miss him so much. I had a dream last night that I took him on a tour of my life as it is now. I told him he could stay if he wanted to. There was a way for him to be that cathartic element,  and also be here. He said he couldn't stay, but he'd stop by once in a while, gave me a hug, and then went on his way...


It hurts, but he's right. I hate saying it, but he's been right about everything.




Stream of consciousness, kid.


Man I miss that boy.

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