tube of wonderful (tubeofwonderful) wrote,
tube of wonderful


Sitting in my bedroom, watching Sideways, makes me feel warm inside... Not because of anything in particular... Just being in a moment that reminds me of the last cinematic memory Nick and I shared... The night we got together to see Sideways I really had no interest in it-- I was having a rough week for some reason (which in comparison wasn't at all rough, compared to the last few) and I had no intention of going to see a movie about wine--

But Nick knew what I needed as always-- and I ended up loving the movie--

But it wasn't just that, the different conversations we had about life, and the future, and marriage, and kids, and every little thing about what people usually expect the future to hold-- we had all these talks before the previews even started-- we even talked about how movies that get rave reviews usually have Postal Service songs in their trailers...

I'm missing him a lot right now-- because I know a lot of the things we discussed will never happen... And will at the same time-- when the day comes that I am engaged-- and there's a week until my wedding-- He and I are still gonna go to Napa, and have a moment together-- He told me-- he helped me pick out the first bottle of wine I ever gave my girl's parents... He showed me all he knew about wine-- and then told me I "gotta figure out the rest on [my] own"--

In a way this movie was a rite of passage-- I got to see what he had planned for me, and I felt good about the idea... With Nick I was never afraid to grow up, and old...

And surprisingly, I'm still not... I'm actually starting to embrace it-- I look around, and I see this opportunity to live up to the image Nick had of me, when he would talk to other people-- I've found out, through Lark and Megan, and Nick's family, the high regard he always held me in-- "Brothers from different Mothers"

I'm "gonna do great things..." I knew he loved me, but then I find out more and more each day from other people, and I just melt inside with this warmth-- and I know he's still with me-- helping me everyday-- helping me become the person I'm gonna be-- just like that... We always bounced life's questions off each other, and I can still hear the Q & A of life going on in the corner of my mind...

Well, I'm gonna go back to watching the movie--

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